just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
