anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm having to shit out rocks
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
