apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
