How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
