I just saw a hot homeless man
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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