she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
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It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.