yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
