no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
