The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
