I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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