My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
