Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
