I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm always down for nudity.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
