I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
