I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
