my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
