I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
