I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
