If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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