There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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