i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
