I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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