god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
