I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
