def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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