I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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