Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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