The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
