Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
