The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
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I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
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