when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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