I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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