first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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