have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
