I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
