Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
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the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
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I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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