My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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