Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
