My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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