At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
