i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
