You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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