I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
