I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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