some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
