Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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