you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
