Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
