Midget sex pt 2 tonight
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
