even my farts smell like vagina
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
