his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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