the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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