I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
