you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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