Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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