when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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