so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
