The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
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im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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