So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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