Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
either way he was missing a nipple.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
